Here are some random lies and truths, take your pick...but choose wisely...for not only may the Grail grant eternal life...but take it away as well.
1. I milked a cow today and then rode a bullet train to Moscow.
2. I discovered I am allergic to cedar and/or sawdust in general.
3. 14 members of the Denver Broncos showed up at my house and asked if I wanted to go skeet-shooting with them. I almost said yes, but I had a potroast in the oven.
4. Sweet potatoes landed on the moon 450 years ago today.
5. I made some snowballs at work this morning, left them on a railing, and later watched as they melted like the bad guys in Raiders of the Lost Ark.
6. Marlboro cigarettes have a smell so wretched I cannot even quantify it (is quantify the correct usage there?), the closest thing I can come up with is - "slow death." That or something to do with truck stop bathrooms.
7. My motto is the same as Hitler's: "If there's no food in my belly, then there's gonna be trouble."
8. Teachers should be allowed to use tasers on their students.
9. Students should be allowed to "boo" when their teachers are inept.
10. I once went to the beach and while wading in the ocean, a hammerhead shark told me the secret location to a massive treasure trove. Unfortunately I forgot the location after I went back on shore and was distracted by several young ladies wearing a few inches of cloth that legally passed as bathing suits. (That's a metaphor for how much better off men would be if they didn't have that darn desire for women constantly distracting and preempting their motivation. And how us men would all be wealthy and happy if we didn't have our desire for women and instead spent our minds pursuing other things.)
11. Matt Damon has conflicting emotions of vindictive satisfaction and sorrowful sympathy regarding Ben Affleck's ruin of a career. I don't. Affleck can eat it.
12. The Taco Bell chihuahua was last seen entering a house of prostitution in Cambodia. He appeared disheveled and possibly high on narcotics. .....oh wait, my mistake, I got the last two mixed up -- it was Affleck in Cambodia. (hahaha)
13. My pal Angler doesn't know who Angela Landsbury is.
14. Babies come in three flavors - vanilla, tropical, and amaretto.
15. This planet is screwed, folks. Between China, Iran, North Korea, terrorists everywhere, muslim fundamentalists wanting the bomb, the possibility of global warming, the natural spread of technology which means that eventually all the whackos out there who want the bomb will not only have it but will also have ICMBs with which to send the bomb anywhere in the world, Cancer, the bird flu and other future pandemics, psychotic tyrants in South America who think Castro is cool, a shady Russia which is probably secretly still Communist and this whole democracy thing has been a massive, but briliant act to allow the US to deal with the world all by itself while it waits for the opportune time to strike and seize complete control of the world, not to mention the continuing reproduction of idiots all over the place.............it's game over, man....and there's no escape -- no land on this planet is going to be safe -- and we don't have a moon base or colony on Mars yet -- if we did, I'm about two international incidents away from booking the next flight there! Pray for aliens to pick you up and put you in a zoo. That or try to get into NASA and beg them to let you be the first person to go to Mars and set up a permanent habitat.
16. The French are good for very little.....but one of those things is Melissa Therieu (spelling?) - the world's hottest news-anchor.
17. Eating 8 pounds of raw hamburger meat in 20 minutes is NOT a good way to make yourself immune to Mad Cow Disease.
18. I like hotties, music, movies, books, nature, animals, sports, beer, food, clothes that fit, writing, traveling, email, breathing clean air, and barbeque grills --- and that's the truth.
(see if you can discern which of the above are truths and which are lies and which are a little of both and which are open to interpretation.)